By Lois Grasso
Frustrated or embarrassed when your kid starts to cry? While it seems a fact of life that you must teach kids not to cry, that could be the worst thing to do. Crying is a healthy breathing exercise designed to express (ie., “move out”) the overwhelming feelings caused by physical or emotional stress or trauma.
Instead, teach your child to take a few big belly breaths when they feel the need to cry. This will eliminate or reduce the noise without damaging your child’s health and self-esteem. Consider the friendly advice commonly given to an upset adult to “take a deep breath”. We instinctually know that a deep breath can calm you down, yet we seldom offer this advice to our kids.
Here’s why we need to start. When we threaten, tease, plead with or in any way shame or stifle a crying child, there are numerous damaging consequences. The only way to prevent themselves from crying is to hold their breath and “choke down” the feelings. Soon they are well-trained to do this at the slightest sign of stress, fear or discomfort.
* Breathing is the body’s number one method for clearing out waste. Up to 70% of toxins can be eliminated with healthy breathing. Imagine forbidding your child from urinating? In the long run, forbidding crying is far worse. We are truly handicapping our children when we teach them not to cry, because it is a breathing exercise that eliminates toxins caused by emotional and physical stress.
In addition to suppressing toxic feelings, (which are then stored in the body as tension and biochemical toxins, and stored in the mind as self-loathing and anger), the child also suppresses oxygen intake, toxin release, the ability to focus, and self-awareness. These resources are necessary to respond to life’s many challenges.
We were all kids once. How has it affected you? Most adults take in only a third of the oxygen they need, due to restricted breathing patterns formed during childhood. This causes a build up of unexpressed feelings, known as ‘emotional baggage,’ just waiting to unload any minute. Given the high level of stressors present in modern culture, it is common for most people to be on “red alert” all day. You may be experiencing undue stress, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, lack of energy, lack of meaning, as well as physical illness. Without a healthy outlet for expression, things can, and do, go awry.
Keeping yourself “together” by stuffing down emotions makes it excruciating to listen to anyone else crying, because, like yawning and laughter (also breathing exercises), crying is contagious. Since we are so committed to not feeling and not crying, the vicious cycle continues as we desperately try to keep our kids from crying.
What can we do to avoid burdening our children while maintaining our own composure as parents?
Try this easy solution: When your child begins to cry,
* take your own deep breath,
* pause and relax,
* look him in the eyes (getting eye level with them helps) and in a sincere, supportive tone say, “Wow, you’re really upset/angry/sad. You know what? If you take some deep breaths into your belly, you’ll feel better soon.”
* Children under age six may need help focusing on their breathing. Just put your fingertips about an inch away from the child’s belly button and say, “Take a breath in through your mouth until your belly button pushes my hand up.” Saying this calmly and quietly in their ear will help comfort the child and will help them hear you over the sounds of crying.
* Then tell them to let the breath gush out, right away, through their wide open mouth, like a big silent sigh.
* Tell them they’re doing well and ask for another.
* Continue until the episode subsides. It shouldn’t take more than a few breaths.
For young children, you might even tell them their belly button is the “smiley button” that can make them feel better if they breathe into it. Tell them that they can do this for themselves if you are not around or are busy. This exercise allows your child to release her tension/fear/anger without feeling judged for it
For yourself, just put your hand on your own “smiley button” and push it outward with your inhale. This engages the diaphragm, and helps you catch your breath. Just let the exhale gush out in a relaxed sigh and let your body go limp. You might also want to add some noise to the exhale – a strong steady tone. Be sure to let go of the exhale as soon as the inhale feels full – no pausing between inhale and exhale. If this is difficult for you, or you find yourself getting dizzy, look into breathing therapy. It’ll be the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.
Lois Grasso is a professional Breath Therapist and founder of the OxyGenesis Institute in West Hartford, CT (www.oxygenesis.org). For more information on programs for adults, teens and children five years and up, call 860-796-1480.